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"Mama, we all go to hell." (11-15)

Oct. 29th, 2012 | 04:50 pm
music: Baek Ayeon - Sad Song

Title: "Mama, we all go to hell."
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Kai/Luhan, Krystal/Suho, etc.
Rating: NC-17
Content: Angst, Mystery, Suspense, Violence, Rape, Incest, Language, Smut, Yaoi.
Summary: Sehun is the first child born. Krystal is the second. And Luhan was an accident. Mama has three children. But Krystal is her favorite. And she despises men. Sehun loves his mother. A bit too much. And Luhan loves Sehun more than he should. Sehun would prefer life with only him and his mother. But it takes work to get what you want. And Sehun doesn't care if the way in which you get the things that you want is very very immoral or even inhumane.

11. Friend

I stepped into school, scanning my surroundings as I went. Still afraid of what happened yesterday before Sehun came, I had to be careful. I managed to get to class without being noticed by my bullies and took my seat in the back of the classroom. I was early. But that was okay. Because I preferred to be in class with a teacher than outside of class with Chanyeol's hand attempting to slide down my pants. And he didn't do it because he wanted me.

Chanyeol used to be a friend. But now he was nothing more than a traitor to me. I had told him my secret, my most deepest secret, and he betrayed me, telling everyone else. I tried avoiding him afterwards, but he had plans in store for me. Of course, I had been such an idiot to trust him.

"Class quiet down!" Our teacher yelled, trying to get everyone's attention. I hadn't even noticed when the classroom began to fill up. I sighed, resting my chin on the plan of my hand, ignoring the sudden looks I was getting. It was the norm. Whispers coming from all directions. Snickering. Nobody cared for me here.

"Okay, quiet down!" Mr. Chen yelled, clapping his hands together. Behind him stood a boy I hadn't seen before. A new student. Suddenly, the class went quiet, noticing him as well. He had dark eyes, full lips that jut out slightly with attitude, and an admirable profile for a young kid.

"We have a new student today. Now," he turned to the boy, "tell us your name." For a moment, the boy just stared at the class, meeting everyone's gaze as he scanned the room. He watched us, taking his sweet time to look at everyone's face.

And then he looked at me. And stared. I swallowed the saliva in my mouth, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. Why would he be looking at me of all people? Oh, wait. I'll bet someone already told him about me. I sighed inwardly and looked down at my lonely desk. I was the only one sitting here, of course. The new kid would probably stay away from me too.

"Kai." That's all he said. Mr. Chen looked at him, lifting an eyebrow slightly before turning back to the class.

"His name is Kim Jong In. Class, welcome him." he said, many of the students erupting in applause quickly. He was attractive and mysterious, something that would win him immediate popularity. Of course they loved him. Not to mention, he wasn't in love with with his own brother. And therefore gay. Like me.

I scratched the edge of my desk with the tip of my dull pencil, waiting for everyone to calm down. This day would turn out like all the others, boring and dull, with the addition of a little bit of Chanyeol to ruin my day. I was sure. Mr. Chen told the new kid, by nickname Kai, to choose a seat. And I could feel his gaze on me still as his footsteps became slightly louder as he walked. I waited. And waited, noticing the sound of the footsteps stopping not too far from me. Well, to be more precise, it was directly in front of me. I hesitantly looked up.

He smiled at me. Which frightened me, but at the same time thrilled me. Whatever he was thinking couldn't be good. He was too nice to choose to sit next to me. But he did, taking the empty seat next to me. And I was amazed. The rest of the class watched him, confusion on their faces and something like jealousy there as well. And maybe they hadn't told him yet about me.

Just maybe, he could be a friend, even if just for a little while.

Mr. Chen called for the class's attention once again, tapping on his desk with a ruler. And the eyes on us turned back to the front, helping with the tension that had formed in the air. I swallowed and slowly looked over to my left, at Kai. And he was already staring at me.

"H-hi." I whispered. I felt nervous for some reason. But the ends of his lips lifted into a small smile.

"Hey." he said, relaxed and comfortable. You would think that meeting new people would be hard, but for him it seemed like a piece of cake. It was either that or he just didn't care about it at all.

"I'm Luhan." I spoke up, noticing how he never moved his gaze off me. It was making me self-conscious. "W-what are you looking at?" He finally blinked and leaned back into his chair before turning his head to face me.

"You're really beautiful." he smiled.

Stunned. I was completely stunned. He had just met me and yet that was what he decided to tell me? But at least it was a compliment. I blushed and looked away. I wasn't used to this kind of attention at all. I looked back to the front, to Mr. Chen who was teaching us mathematics on the board, something my mind was not ready to take in the morning. Along with other things. Suddenly a paper ball flew past my face, in Kai's direction. I turned to see Kai opening it up. Apparently someone wanted his attention. But then I noticed the large words scribbled onto the crinkly paper...

Luhan is a gay. You should stay away from him because he's even in love with his own brother...

I saw my chances of finally having a friend being burned to a crisp, only the ugly ashes of a dream remaining. How could they do that? I felt my eyes water a bit. I knew Kai wouldn't be my friend in the end. I just wanted to spend a little bit of time with him since he didn't know... But now he did. And nothing could change that.

Next thing, Kai stole the pencil out of my hand, scribbling onto the paper as well. He would probably say something along the lines of "Oh, thanks for the warning" or maybe even "Wow, that's gross." Either way, Kai was a goner. I sighed, looking forward again. I didn't even want to know what he would write back. I wouldn't be able to take it. I was already so close to crying.

Then I felt Kai nudge me, shoving the paper into my hand.

"Look at it." he whispered. And I felt confused. Did he want to humiliate me? But nonetheless I looked inside, my curiosity getting the best of me. But I wasn't being humiliated. No. It was something completely different... Once the shock had found a place on my face, Kai took the paper from my hands, balling it up and throwing it back to where it came from, to who it came from. And he looked over at me and smiled. The message remained in my head for a long time before I found myself returning the smile. Because for once I wasn't alone. And for once, I had a real friend.

So what? I'm gay too.

12. Lips

(Months Later)

"Come on, Luhan." Kai called to me, smiling, taking my hand and dragging me away.

"We'll be late to class. Where are you taking us?" I asked, following nonetheless. Kai had proven to be the most faithful friend I had so where we went mattered very little to me. As long as I could be with him.

Kai didn't care about my sexuality. He shared it with me anyways. But he also didn't care about my taboo feelings for Sehun. No. He said that none of that mattered. Because all that mattered was that you truly loved that person. The rest, what society considered correct and incorrect, moral and immoral, that all faded away with true love to take their place. This fueled my love for Kai. He was officially my best friend, because no one else had ever compared. Especially not Chanyeol.

We ended up behind the school. And the bell had already rang too. But I smiled. I felt carefree with Kai.

"Okay, what are you up to?" I said, crossing my arms, a smile still on my lips. Kai paced around a little before looking up at me, a smirk playing on his lips.

"I have a present for you." Kai told me. I closed my eyes and held out my hands, waiting.

"Thanks. I didn't bring you a present though, Kai." I smiled inevitably.

"That's okay." I heard his voice closer to me then. I could tell he was standing right in front of me. I was curious as to what Kai could possibly have for me. But I was also excited, not being one to receive many presents, except for Sehun's occasional juice boxes that I so much adored. I actually felt special, and in a way, loved. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, the seconds passing by before I felt Kai take my hands in his, covering mine with his own. They were warm.

"Luhan..." he murmured, his voice low and quiet. And then I felt his lips on mine. Soft and moist as if he'd just ran his tongue over them. At first I was in shock, surprised really at such an action. I'd never been kissed before... And Kai had given me my first.

I pulled back slowly, not only because I didn't want to hurt Kai's feelings, but also because I didn't entirely hate the sensation. No, it was actually quite enjoyable for a first, but I still felt bad. Because I had always dreamed of giving my first...to Sehun. I looked down at our hands and watched as Kai pulled back, taking a step backwards.

"Kai..." I mumbled, afraid to look him in the eyes. But he then crossed his arms.

"What's wrong, Luhan? Did you not like it?" I hadn't expected those to be his next words. But I looked up at him afterwards and noticed his facial expression. He didn't look hurt. He didn't look heartbroken. No. It was almost as if the kiss hadn't meant too much to him. And then I felt confused.

"Well? Am I a good kisser or not? Tell me now because I've been curious for a while now." he smirked. And I sighed, realizing he wasn't serious with it at all. That for him, it was all just a kiss. A simple meaningless kiss. Afterwards I stepped towards him, hitting his chest playfully.

"What the heck? That was my first, Kai!" I whined, crossing my arms and beginning to pout. He started to laugh, stepping closer and pressing his pointer finger to my lips.

"Was it really? I'm sorry, but I would've thought that you already had your first. I guess I'm lucky then." I sighed and pushed him back before walking back towards the entrance to our school. We would be in so much trouble with Mr. Chen later for being late.

"Hey, Luhan, I said I was sorry." Kai ran in front of me, blocking my path. "Are you mad?" he asked, his tone suddenly serious. I stopped walking and looked him in the eyes. But I knew I wasn't mad. I couldn't be mad at Kai. It was seemingly impossible for me to be angry with this boy. After all, it could have been Chanyeol or one from his newly formed gang that had taken my first kiss. But Kai ruled out that possibility. And I was glad it was him and not one of them. A smile made it's way to my lips. I came closer to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into an embrace. His arms curled around my body almost automatically.

"I can't be mad at you, Kai."


I told Sehun I could walk home on my own the next day. But really, Kai was walking with me. I wanted to have Kai over but he had told me he needed to go home right after school or his father would be angry. But he walked with me half of the way before having to run back in the other direction after a little bit.

It must be nice to have a father to care about your safety like that.

Before I stepped over the threshold of our home, I could already hear the piano. It seemed that Krystal was always practicing. It was a nonstop thing for her, but she was gifted, no doubt. The melody this time was slow and sad, a bit dark for my taste, but also calming in a way. It made me feel a bit of sadness in my heart, although I had no idea why. It was hard to explain.

I shut the door behind me and only saw Krystal's back once I was inside the house, her long dark hair flowing down her back. I knew Krystal was really beautiful. And maybe this was why Mama liked her better than me. Although I could tell Mama liked Sehun better than me too, her occasional smiles towards him telling me so. I sighed and removed my shoes, heading towards my shared room. I noticed Mama asleep on the couch. Krystal must've lulled her to sleep.

I opened the door and noticed Sehun asleep as well, curled up into a ball, only it wasn't Krystal's doing. Her song on the piano hadn't put him to sleep. Sehun wore headphones. I had to smile a bit. I set my backpack on my bed, unloading my books once again, just like everyday. But today a pink note was taped onto my books. And it smelled of perfume. Although I recognized the scent as one belonging to Kai. Even if I wondered why he didn't wear men's cologne, but instead women's perfume...

I felt a sudden excitement rush through me as I tore the note open, my eyes being so impatient, dying to pour over the contents. And the note was so simple actually. But it made me blush.

"Sorry for taking your first kiss. But make sure that Sehun gets your second one then."

My lips pursed in order to contain the smile that was trying to make an appearance. But it was unsuccessful, the butterflies suddenly erupting inside me. Because Sehun was asleep. And I had a chance to make sure Sehun was my second.

I swallowed down saliva and took a few steps towards Sehun's bed. He would never know, right? I remembered Kai's note.

'Make sure Sehun is your second.'

I desperately wanted to do so. To kiss him. To mark him as mine even if he would never be. And so, with great caution, I leaned over his bed, over him, and brought my lips closer to his, pausing only to moisten my lips just as Kai had done. And then I kissed him. Softly. Slowly. Our lips ghosted over each other as I pulled back and my heart beat so quickly and frantically in my chest I felt it would burst. But it didn't.

And Sehun had officially become my second. Which made my lips pull into a smile.

13. Taboo

Kai missed school for a few days. A whole week in fact. And I got worried. He'd never missed before, being extremely punctual because of his father, so I'd assumed something had happened. And maybe it was something bad.

But because I had no idea where Kai lived, I had to wait for him to return.


"Hey, Luhan." I heard from behind me. But it wasn't Kai. I was still waiting for Sehun to come and get me. And I was vulnerable, all alone like this. I tried my best to walk quickly away, but he grabbed ahold of my arm, preventing me from going anywhere. Fear invaded me.

"What do you want, Chanyeol?" I asked, never once looking into his eyes. He was alone this time, but so was I. His grip on my wrist tightened as he jerked me towards him.

"I just wanted to talk." he said, his tone low yet teasing.

"I don't have anything to talk to you about. Now let me go." But I would never be able to pull myself free. Chanyeol was stronger than I was.

"Luhan, listen." He said, pushing me against the building, his arms blocking any way to escape. I bit onto my bottom lip and looked down. Sehun would be here soon anyways. I just had to wait this out. But it proved hard, especially with Chanyeol leaning in closer to me, little by little. His eyes closed, and his lips came a centimeter away from mine before I turned to the side, his lips landing on my cheek instead of my lips.

"Stop it..." I pleaded. Because I didn't understand. And I didn't know the reason why Chanyeol had turned against me like this. But I was afraid to know that reason since this was the outcome.

"Just give in. I bet you do this with your brother all the time." He whispered into my ear. My eyes watered as I felt his hands grab onto my hips harshly, pushing his body against mine. And his lips attacked my neck, biting down on the sensitive skin there. I hit his chest, pushing and pushing but he didn't budge at all.

"Ch-Chanyeol...please..." I begged. And suddenly he pulled away. No. He was pulled away. I felt my knees go weak and without him to hold me up, I fell to the ground, into a puddle of my own tears.

"Leave Luhan alone." Sehun was here.

I looked up at him as he pushed Chanyeol back a few steps. But Chanyeol only chuckled, shaking his head in irritation.

"I was just leaving." Chanyeol grunted. And Sehun didn't speak a word, simply glaring at Chanyeol as he turned and walked slowly away. Sehun was older and bigger than both of us. I could only be safe in his presence.

I watched Sehun in misery. Even though he was the cause of all this, he had saved me.

If only I hadn't fallen for my own brother...

I looked down at my hands, clenching then into fists in my lap. Tears landed on my knuckles, made pale white from how hard I squeezed my hands into hard balls. And Sehun came closer, sitting beside me, looking off into the distance without a word. I cried. A lot. I wasn't sure for how long either, but Sehun sat there, waiting patiently, his presence being enough comfort for me. Sehun had never been the type to hug you and rub your back when you were down. No. That was a trait mothers of other children had. Our mother had raised us to be cold and distant.

"Why won't you tell me why this is going on?" He said suddenly. Which surprised me. I wiped my tears away, looking to him, speechless, as he simply looked out to the sky that was beginning to darken. How long had we been there?

And then Sehun's question.

I just couldn't tell him. He wouldn't accept me. I knew it. It was taboo nearly everywhere around the world to fall in love with your own family. Incestuous relationships weren't smiled upon, no. They were judged and trampled on simply because it was something different. Because it was human nature to hate things that differed from yourself. It was the way the world worked. It was the reason why the world was such a cruel place, why Chanyeol hated me, why everyone at school hated me and also Kai. Because we were different.

And to keep Sehun from hating me as well, I just couldn't tell him. And so I only cried harder.


I inhaled Sehun's scent as we neared our home, my arms wrapped around his neck as he carried me on his back. I had finally stopped crying after what seemed like an hour and the sky was beginning to change color already. I felt my heart beating quickly, being so close to Sehun, and I wondered if he could hear it as loudly as I could. However, his emotionless face told me otherwise. Well, more like told me nothing at all.

You could never be sure of what Sehun was thinking. He always remained a mystery, always having closed himself off from others, something I still didn't understand. I would be forever friendless, leave for Kai, while people like that Sulli girl and many others would continue to like Sehun. A ton of people liked Sehun at his school. And yet he didn't want them around. I wanted to know what went through his mind. Desperately at times. But I had the feeling he would never tell me.

I tightened my hold on Sehun not wanting to separate from him as I saw we were coming to the bridge before our home. Only a few moments left. I would cherish them.

"Luhan..." Sehun spoke up, stopping on top of the bridge. We looked over at the running water again and I held onto him tightly. I waited for him to speak up again, his thoughts seemingly pending.

"What is it, Sehun?" I asked. And there was a moment of silence. I waited a little longer before the words finally left his lips.

"Do you think Mama really loves us?"

How could I answer that? How? I sighed and looked up at the sun setting beyond the horizon. It's colors of red, orange, and purple all reflected beautifully on the water...

I really wanted to ignore Sehun's question. But I couldn't, could I? Mama...she didn't love me. I knew it. It was obvious. And maybe it was my fault. Maybe she knew all along that I was gay, that I was in love with Sehun. She probably knew. And that was her reason for hating us, for only loving Krystal. And still, she would always hate me the most. Forever it would be like this, my very own cursed fate of never being truly loved by anyone...

And maybe Kai would leave me. And maybe Sehun would find out about my feelings for him and he would hate me. And everyone else...they already had outcasted me, even my own mother.

"Sehun, I..." I started, but was interrupted by another voice. Not Sehun's. No. It was definitely Kai's. I glanced back to the other side of the bridge and saw his figure standing there, but he didn't look like the Kai I knew...

"Luhan!" he called to me again. Sehun put me down, and I stepped towards Kai hesitantly. His right eye was recovering, a black eye, and he had many bruises and scratches scattered across his skin, everywhere on his body. I stood facing him, frozen in place.

"Luhan, I'm going back." Sehun said, his steps sounding on the old wood of the bridge as he walked away. And I was left here with Kai. Alone.

"Kai..." I choked out. And I hadn't realized the new tears forming in my eyes already.

14. Warmth

Luhan stared at me. Teary eyed. Afraid. I knew my appearance would worry him. But I had nowhere else to go at this point.

"Luhan..." I murmured, feeling a knot in my throat. He stepped towards me hesitantly and I was glad that Sehun had decided to leave us alone. Walking towards Luhan slowly, I closed the distance between us, embracing him even if it hurt to do so. It took him a moment to respond and hug back, but simply having him in my arms made me feel a bit better.

"K-Kai... Where have you been? And...what happened to you?" he said, his voice shaking a bit. I wanted to tell Luhan. I really did. About my dad. About the man I called my father. But I felt I would cry and break down. Luhan shouldn't see me like that. So I pulled back and shook my head, looking down.

"I can't say." was all that came out and I felt like an idiot. Because Luhan looked at me with those beautiful eyes of his, longing to know the true reason for my scars. But Luhan was too fragile to handle my story.

"Luhan...is it alright if I stay the night? I need somewhere to stay..." I pleaded, looking elsewhere. Luhan took ahold of my hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"Of course." he smiled sadly, his eyes shining slightly. He looked so beautiful it hurt my heart a little, making it ache with longing. A moment later, he pulled me along with him, guiding me towards his home, somewhere I had never been to before. It was small, only slightly dilapidated on one side, the faint color of yellow dominating the outer walls. But overall, it looked comfortable, somewhere a family would live happily. Somewhere I just wouldn't belong.

Luhan held my hand as he led me inside, the aroma of cooked vegetables and meat coming forth. I inhaled it, savoring the smell, because I was so hungry. Father, of course, didn't cook, and spent his money on other things he found more important than food. I was in charge of the cooking, but without groceries, dinner was very rare.

"Mama..." Luhan began, his voice quiet and unsure. A woman, his mother I presumed, stood in front of the stove, a girl with long dark hair at her side. They turned to us, taking in my appearance before the young girl gasped.

"Mama..." She repeated what Luhan had said, her voice more urgent however. The woman simply stared at me, her eyebrows pulling together and her face contorting a bit. I couldn't recognize the emotion splayed over her face.

"Who's this?" the woman asked, wiping her hands on her apron and stepping towards us as the food on the stove cooked a bit. It was Luhan's turn to speak up. I watched him, worried. Would they allow me to stay? Or would they turn me away, want me gone, just as father had done?

"This is my friend, Kai... Is it alright...if he stays with me tonight?"

"What happened to you?" Luhan's question was ignored as the woman stepped closer to me, towering over me as she examined my wounds, her eyes coming across all my bruises except for the hidden ones. And then she kneeled in front of me. Her eyes peered into mine and I felt it. I felt as though she knew. About me. What happened. She told me with one look, her shining eyes, that she knew. And that she was sorry it had happened.

"It's nice to meet you, Kai. Call me Ms. Oh if you like." she said, a smile gracing her lips. She moved her hand to my cheek and stroked it softly, the contact making me teary eyed. There was warmth. Is this what it was like to have a mother?

"You can stay." she said a moment later. And I smiled, wiping my eyes before looking over at Luhan who was wide eyed. Frozen. But behind him stood Sehun, staring me down, glaring at me. And the smile I held vanished.


Dinner was filled with silence. With the scraping of silverware against porcelain plates. And occasional glances from around the table. It wasn't like the family I had imagined in my dreams, but at least this one ate together. I did feel a bit uncomfortable though, my swallowing being very difficult with the long and hard stare that Sehun was giving me.

I just didn't understand.

Sehun was difficult to figure out. He seemed so reserved and secretive that it was hard to even imagine what might be going through his head. Therefore, I had no idea why he had been watching me like that, why I got the feeling that he didn't like me already although he had seemed nice enough before, picking Luhan up everyday even though he was old enough to walk alone, and also at the bridge where he decided to give us some privacy. So what happened? I wondered if I had done something wrong...

"Have more if you like." Ms. Oh offered, giving me another smile.

"Thank you." I smiled back, serving myself more. Because I had been starving. She made me feel extremely comfortable here, unlike the others. Even Luhan seemed a bit reserved at the table, staring down at his food and playing with it a bit. The girl with the dark hair, she didn't even mind me. However, she didn't look like she wanted to be there at all, more like, detached in a way. Even if she was closer to her mother than anyone, it seemed.

I thought about all of this and ate quietly, wishing there could be a little conversation for me to listen to. But it was the norm for me already to eat without conversation, and so I didn't mind it too much.

After dinner, Luhan took me to his shared room. Luhan and I would share a bed and Sehun would take the other. Which seemed like a good idea since I got to sleep with Luhan, but I hoped that Sehun wouldn't keep up his glaring at me all night. But soon enough, after borrowing a few pieces of clothing, Luhan and I were in bed together, the covers pulled up to our chests, both of our heads resting on the same pillow. And I didn't mind our proximity. No. In fact, I savored it. I wanted. I desired it so greatly.

I turned on my side to face Luhan, who got the edge of the bed closest to Sehun. But Sehun had his back to us, facing the other wall. I watched Luhan's features in the dark room, the only light being the moonlight which spilled in from the small window between the two twin beds. His eyebrows were pulled together as he stared up at the ceiling, pensive. I wanted to lean in and steal from him another kiss, but at this point, I knew I couldn't. I couldn't allow my feelings to be too obvious, especially with Luhan's own love interest lying in the opposite side of the room. I sighed and reached towards Luhan, pushing a few hairs away from his forehead. That seemed to snap him out of his thoughts because he looked at me with those eyes of his, those eyes that pulled me in and made me love him. And he gave me a small smile as well.

"You ok?" I whispered, careful to not speak loud enough so as to wake the seemingly asleep Sehun. Luhan simply nodded. It was then that I decided to move closer, to take the opportunity, to take advantage of the moment really, to cuddle with Luhan. I snaked my arms around his waist and pulled him closer, making sure his head rested on my chest, that he was holding onto me as well. One of his hands found mine and they intertwined, a smile tugging at my lips once again. If only Luhan actually knew my true feelings...

I let out a soft sigh.

"Goodnight Luhan." I murmured, pressing my lips to his hair gently before closing my eyes and listening for his voice.

"Goodnight Kai..." Luhan mumbled as well, apparently closer to sleep than I was.

15. Angel

I couldn't sleep. Couldn't close my eyes. Couldn't believe what I had seen earlier. How? How could Mama welcome Kai in like that? How could she possibly treat him better than both Luhan and I? It was unbelievable. It was unforgivable.

I felt an insatiable anger rising within me. Uncontrollable, really. And I wouldn't be able to handle being in the same room with this boy who just waltzed into my life without my permission, just as Krystal had done years back. And changed everything.

I turned to glance at Luhan and his friend. They were enveloped in each other, too close, I felt. And maybe Kai was trying to take my brother as well. I sighed and peeled the blanket off of me, getting up an leaving the room. I needed air. I needed a release. After so many years of longing for Mama's love, it had been given to a stranger. And I was left behind, pushed aside, abandoned. Stepping outside, I felt the cool night air brush against my skin, giving me goosebumps. The moon shone in the sky, beautiful. Just as Mama had once been. Now...now Mama was different. She had changed. And the mother I once had seemed to disappear inside of the cold shell of what she was now.

I walked over to the lone tree, the only tree standing in solitude near the bridge. And took a seat. I remembered that time where Mama and I had sat here, her long slender fingers running through my hair. It was the only moment I relished in my life, my sweetest and most wonderful. But it was gone, disintegrated into a mere particle that would only remain in my memory. But how could I let it go, if I still couldn't let go of the Mama I used to know?

I felt drowsy then, a bit tired. Maybe from my family situation. Maybe just exhaustion taking over. Either way, I leaned back into the tree, my eyelids feeling a bit heavy, and they closed. I hugged myself, no one being there to give me warmth. And I drifted off to a dreamless sleep.


"Sehun... Sehun..." Someone called my name softly and I felt the morning sun shining on me. I groaned, my back aching slightly, before I opened my eyes. I was greeted with familiar eyes, fair skin, impossibly soft looking lips, a gaze that held so much care...

"Mama?" I mumbled, adjusting my sight because the sun shone behind this person, this person that almost seemed like an angel calling to me. And they smiled at me, their hand reaching out and caressing my cheek. I smiled too then. But it wasn't Mama, I realized. No. It was Luhan.

And behind him stood Kai, staring at me. But I ignored that little fact and turned back to my brother.

"Luhan..." I murmured and pulled him into my arms. He was surprised, but hugged me back nonetheless, his arms wrapping around my neck. And I felt a tinge of happiness. Because he had brought back a piece of Mama to me. Only, it was a part of him.

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"Mama, we all go to hell." (θ6 - 1θ)

Oct. 29th, 2012 | 04:28 pm
music: Bleach OST - Never Meant to Belong

Title: "Mama, we all go to hell."
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Kai/Luhan, Krystal/Suho, etc.
Rating: NC-17
Content: Angst, Mystery, Suspense, Violence, Rape, Incest, Language, Smut, Yaoi.
Summary: Sehun is the first child born. Krystal is the second. And Luhan was an accident. Mama has three children. But Krystal is her favorite. And she despises men. Sehun loves his mother. A bit too much. And Luhan loves Sehun more than he should. Sehun would prefer life with only him and his mother. But it takes work to get what you want. And Sehun doesn't care if the way in which you get the things that you want is very very immoral or even inhumane.

θ6. Wish

Mr. Kwon showed up again. At our home. But Mama didn't allow him to come inside. Instead they stood outside, talking in low voices. I think that Mr. Kwon was apoligizing about earlier, but I wasn't sure. Mama had told me to stay inside and I could only attempt to catch a few words from beyond the screen door. But I did catch a few.

"I just wanted to try..." Mr. Kwon said in nearly a whisper. And then there was silence. Mama had her arms crossed and she looked off into the darkness of the night. Mr. Kwon looked a bit sweaty, maybe from the nerves of Mama rejecting him before and him having to apologize for even asking for her to give him a chance.

"You must've already known what I was going to say. Sangwoo, we've been friends for a long time, even if we don't see each other that much..." Mama's voice had a soft tone to it, because I was sure she didn't want to hurt Mr. Kwon, her friend. And Mr. Kwon looked down at his feet, swallowing once. While he talked, he avoided Mama's gaze as much as possible. But it was unavoidable if he wanted to look at her so much.

"I know, Mihyun...I just...I just wanted to try. Because...there's always...ah." he shook his head, taking back his words. Mama sighed and shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Sangwoo. You need to leave. I just can't talk to you for a while. You need to get over this if you want to be good friends with me again." Mama's words were harsh, yet very honest. And Mr. Kwon got that. He understood, even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear from Mama who never even gave him a chance, to my own delight.

"I'll leave. I won't come back for a while. Because it could take forever to move on from someone like you, Mihyun." Mr. Kwon said, his eyes watching Mama. They were sad, desperate eyes. Even as a kid, I had seen this. And then he turned and walked off the porch, disappearing into the darkness. Mama walked back inside and looked at me, no expression on her face. I wasn't sure what she was feeling about this, but I was at least happy that she didn't feel anything for Mr. Kwon in a romantic sense.

And to make sure that Mama would never feel something for the man, I wished on all of the stars in the night sky that he would just disappear forever and never come back.


Mr. Kwon did disappear.

Mrs. Kwon had come over to our house, asking if he had stayed at our house or something because she hadn't seen him in her house at all. Mama stood in the doorway, talking to Mrs. Kwon, letting her know that she had talked to him the night before, that he had told her he was leaving. It was pretty bright outside and Mrs. Kwon had come in with her pajamas, bright pink floral ones. Yuck.

"Oh, I see. I didn't think he would leave so quickly. I mean, I expected for him to at least...say goodbye first." Mrs. Kwon looked sad despite the cheery weather outside. And I could tell that Mrs. Kwon really loved Mr. Kwon, her only son, her only child. I wondered if that's the way Mama would act if it were just us in the future. If she would still worry about me and care about me when she was eighty or older. Just like Mrs. Kwon.

And I found Mrs. Kwon admirable for once. Just for this trait of hers. Undying love.

Mama invited Mrs. Kwon in for coffee after that and comforted her, knowing very well that Mrs. Kwon wasn't all right with her son leaving her. It was almost as if Mr. Kwon hadn't come for his Mama at all. I think it was just for mine.

I sat eating sweet cereal at the table with both of them as they spoke of adult things that they figured I wouldn't understand. And most of the time, they were right. So I thought back to the night before where I had wished on all of the stars for Mr. Kwon to leave. And I thought that maybe it was all my fault for Mr. Kwon's leave. That the stars had actually granted me one wish.

And then I wished that I had used it on Krystal instead.

θ7. Wounds

Mama was late. Very late. And I didn't undestand why. Because she was never late. And this worried me.

Mrs. Kwon had put Krystal to sleep in her room and had told me that I could take Mr. Kwon's old room. So here I was, waiting, wishing for Mama's safety and that she would return home soon. I could hear Mrs. Kwon pacing around her living room, her mind deep in thought, just as mine was. I stared up at the cieling, wondering what Mama could be doing out so late. She wouldn't be working more, I know that, because Mrs. Kwon only liked to take care of us for a while. She was elderly and got tired too.

Maybe Mama had met another man?

I shook my head to rid my head of those thoughts. I didn't want that at all. I just wouldn't be able to deal with it. What if she had met father after work? And what if he was trying to come back again? I sighed deeply, pulling the covers over my head and looking into the darkness underneath. I was sure that father wouldn't come back. He couldn't after all that happened between him and Mama. I tried ruling out that possibility. But there weren't other options left, since Mama didn't have many friends. No. She barely had any. And so she couldn't go out with them. Maybe he wanted to see Krystal, his new baby girl, to see the mess that he had created. To see the trouble that he was making without even so much as being here with us. I cannot have father coming back.

Mrs. Kwon paused in her tracks, a faint tapping on the door being heard. Mama? I peeled the covers off of me and stepped out of bed, wandering over to the doorway. But I didn't open the door all the way. Nope. Just a crack. I had to see what was going on. Mrs. Kwon went to the door and opened it, but I couldn't see who was there, and they didn't talk too much either, no greeting being exchanged.

Quietly, I opened the door a tad bit more and stepped out into the small hallway that came before the living room. I was sure to make myself hidden, sticking close the walls and shadows so I could get a glimpse of who was there and why. And with a small glance around the corner I saw her. I saw Mama.

"Mihyun... Oh my..." Mrs. Kwon cupped a hand over her mouth as she watched Mama on the floor, sprawled over the threshold, looking broken. Her clothes were ripped and stained in blotches of different shades of red. I cupped a hand over my own mouth as I gasped, feeling tears coming to my eyes. Mama was hurt.

"H-help..." Mama mumbled, reaching up to Mrs. Kwon. And Mrs. Kwon took her hand, helping her up, eyes wide and her face horror-stricken.

"Who did this to you?" Mrs. Kwon asked, setting Mama down on a wooden chair in the corner. She quickly hurried to the kitchen to retrieve a hot rag to wash and clean Mama's wounds. I bit down onto my bottom lip, hard. I wanted to help, but Mrs. Kwon looked so serious, I had become frozen myself, scared of what was happening. What had happened to Mama.

Mama shook her head at Mrs. Kwon, her eyes partially closed. She looked tired, and sweat seemed to have taken a place on her beautiful skin. Dirt stains were on her clothes and I felt confused. Her clothes also had rips in them, her dress completely destroyed. Who did this to Mama? Why? Why would they do this if Mama was perfect and had never hurt anyone? The person who had done it would never be completely clear to me. But either way, I hoped they got what they deserved later in life. If they had done wrong to Mama, they deserved to have wrong done to them as well.

Mrs. Kwon ran the rag across Mama's face, trying to clean her up. Mama's face was flushed and her hair messy so Mrs. Kwon helped her with that as well. I felt heartbroken, seeing Mama this way. I could tell she was in pain from the way she bit down onto her lip at times. But I didn't know where it hurt more, as her arms had bruises on them but so did her legs.

"Mihyun, we have to get a doctor." But Mama's eyes teared up. And she shook her head, refusing.

"N-no...I can't." she choked out. Mrs. Kwon's eyes widened as she waited for Mama to give her an explanation.

"No one...No one can know about it..." Mrs. Kwon stepped back, taking in the meaning of Mama's words, her eyes sad. I couldn't understand the unspoken language at the time. I was too young. But later I would understand completely what she meant, what Mrs. Kwon's reaction to Mama's simple words had meant. Mama was raped.

Mama sighed, tears in her eyes. There was a silence for a few moments before Mama spoke up again. Before she broke my heart even more.

"Is Krystal okay?" Mrs. Kwon nodded. And then there was more silence. Nothing about Sehun. Nothing about me at all. Mama had managed to act as if I didn't exist, as if she had never had a son. And that it was only her and Krystal. I felt the lump in my throat forbidding me to swallow. And then the tears came, rolling down my cheeks.

Even in this state that she was in, did Mama not care for me at all?

θ8. Brother

(Six Months Later)

Mama had gotten bigger. And there was less and less room for me. But less room for Krystal as well. I already knew what was coming soon. Another baby. And even if I didn't understand how it was that Mama had gotten pregnant again, I knew that she would push me deeper into the shadows as if I didn't exist.

But I wanted to pull Krystal in with me.

Mrs. Kwon had been over to the house everyday since Mama had been hurt that one very dark chilling night. I never understood who had done it or why, but I also didn't understand why Mama would pretend as if it never happened. She acted as if the baby in her stomach was just a coincidence that popped up. But I knew better. A man must've met her after all. But not a nice one.

I sat on the couch, watching the television set that was actually off. But inside of the television I could see behind me, Mama's reflection as she cradled Krystal in her arms, sitting in the rocking chair she had bought a long time ago. It seemed to be the only thing unchanged. Krystal had grown a bit from before, having more hair than before if anything. And she slept less often, keeping Mama awake some nights. This was why Mrs. Kwon was so intent on helping out. Because she believed it was a lot of stress on a woman who was pregnant.

I sort of melted into the couch, swinging my legs back and forth as I slid down a bit, bored. I wondered if this time Mama's baby would be a girl or a boy. To me, it made a big difference. And I wasn't sure if it made a big difference to Mama, but at some point I thought it did. She would probably be happier to have a girl than a baby boy... I sighed. I wanted a boy. I wanted a little brother. But not because I was lonely or needed someone to play with. No, I felt better when I was alone now.

I wanted a baby brother, however, because maybe then Mama would love him better than Krystal. And he would take the attention from the little girl that had wrecked my world. At this point I knew that Mama would ignore me either way. But I at least wanted to score one for the boys. I wanted it not to be true that Mama hated men. Even if I didn't want our father back ever.

Then I wondered what he would look like. My brother. Would he look like Mama? Beautiful? Or would he look like Krystal and father? Something to despise? I wanted to know, even if I was a bit afraid of what he may bring with him once he was born. Brother...


(Three Months Later)

The nurse came out to me and Mrs. Kwon, who was holding Krystal, telling us that Mama was doing fine and we could come in to visit. It had been a few days since I had seen Mama and I was anxious because I knew that the baby had been born already. Mrs. Kwon had told me so, and she made sure to go over behavior rules at the hospital before we went as well.

We both walked into Mama's room quickly, Mrs. Kwon beating me to Mama and the bundle she held. And somehow Mama didn't look as enthusiastic as she had with Krystal, looking down at my new sibling. I stood on my toes, attempting to steal a few glances at the new face. But Mrs. Kwon scooped up the child and hogged up the view, giving Mama Krystal instead. So I waited until she finished, but really, Mrs. Kwon brought the baby over to me.

"Sehun, look, it's your new baby brother." she smiled, kneeling for me to see. And I felt my heart racing quickly. For once I was excited. And Mama wasn't. I peeked over at the blanketed baby boy, his eyes closed with very little hair on his small head. But I noticed he shared Mama's fair skin. And the hair he had was a light brown with a bit of gold, just like Mama's. I pursed my lips, not once closing my eyes. My brother was very beautiful. Unlike Krystal.

And then he began to stir in his sleep. His mouth opened and he let out a small yawn, his eyes slowly fluttering open. He had been sleeping, and when he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was me, staring right back at him. And his eyes...they were just like Mama's. I felt a little jealous how he had managed to take Mama's looks, to be able to possess them, but I didn't feel anger towards him. No. It felt more like a refreshing feeling, someone having a bit of Mama instead of just Krystal.

I hoped that my baby brother would recieve tons of love from Mama if it couldn't be me. But when I turned to look at Mama, she was simply smiling down at Krystal, never once glancing at my beautiful brother. It made my heart hurt a bit. So I inhaled to lighten the weight I felt growing on my shoulders, knowing it would do nothing.

"What's his name?" I asked Mrs. Kwon. She looked over to Mama who could really care less. And her lips pursed into a tight smile. I had the feeling that she knew about what Mama was doing to us.

"Your mother...named him Luhan." she said, her eyes becoming faded and sad again. It was the same look from that night. Sadness.

"Luhan..." I murmured quietly, reaching out and caressing my brother's cheek. I had a feeling we weren't too different, that we would have to stick together because of Mama. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not we would be close, but I knew that we would be closer than Krystal and I would ever be.


(Eleven Years Later) 

I waited outside of the middle school, leaning against the brick building. The bell sounded loudly and I knew that a swarm of kids would begin to flood out of the building. In my hand I held a boxed orange juice, a present for my brother. Luhan peered around the corner, his innocent eyes catching sight of me before he ran towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Sehun!" he shouted, smiling. I peeled him off of me and handed him the orange juice.

"Here." I said, walking the other way. Luhan gladly accepted my present and walked beside me, skipping a bit as he did so. Other kids roamed the school grounds too, some of them pointing fingers at Luhan and I. Some of them snickering. I wondered what that was about but continued walking nonetheless.

"So...how was school?" I asked, a feeble attempt at conversation. Luhan was quiet for a few moments, not looking at me but at the ground. I didn't know what that meant but nonetheless I waited for an answer.

"Nothing much." he mumbled, sucking on the straw.

"You sure?" Luhan nodded his head violently, still not making eye contact with me. It seemed every single time someone would ask him about school, he wouldn't talk too much. I had a feeling something was going on there but if Luhan didn't want to say anything then I figured I should just stay out. It was his life after all.

We both walked in silence then, only the sounds of Luhan slurping up the orange juice being what we heard. And when we returned home, all we heard was that damn piano.

Mama had bought a piano a few years back. She was intent on having Krystal learn piano. Which was fine with me since I knew I never wanted to do it. Not that i had been asked if I wanted to or not anyways. But something had been bothering me about that anyways. Mama bought Krystal the piano. Paid for classes. And spent a lot more time with her. Krystal had never stopped being number one to Mama. nothing had changed. Luhan hadn't even made a dent in their relationship it seemed.

In fact, Mama treated Luhan worse than me. I had no idea why at first. But as I grew older and I learned more, it became obvious. Luhan was a product of that night years ago where Mama had been beat up and not only that...but raped as well. Luhan wasn't a child Mama chose to have. No. He was a burden that she had to carry as punishment for that night. And she had done nothing wrong, which made it feel unjust, carrying a stranger's child. And so seeing Luhan, her very own personal reminder of that night, she was filled with loathing. And there was no room for what they called "motherly love". No. Luhan would never be considered her own child in Mama's eyes.

"Hi." I greeted once I entered the room. Mama, who was sitting in the couch, turned to me, a smile on her face. But the smile wasn't because of me at all, I knew. A second later she turned back to Krystal who was playing away on the piano.

Luhan didn't bother speaking up. Instead he went straight to our shared room, setting his backpack on his bed. This was their norm. Silence. Mama and Luhan didn't speak to each other too much. But Luhan didn't seem to mind either, so I wondered if he cared for Mama or not.

I followed him there, lying down on my own bed. It was my nap time I decided. And Luhan set down to doing some homework. But I watched as he pulled out his books, and stuck to them was a note. He swallowed visibly, nervous really, and ripped the note from his textbook, throwing it into the trash bin in the corner of the room.


At school I was barely there. Meaning I skipped a lot. Even at seventeen I knew that school hated me. I couldn't do much, had always failed subjects. Not like it mattered to anyone. Maybe a bit to Luhan, but he gave up trying to convince me not to skip a while back. Luhan was a good kid. And I wasn't too good.

I leaned back against the glass doors of the old high school. This was the one that they didn't use. It had been condemned. And so a new one was built right next to it. So this was where I went to waste a bit of time before going to pick up Luhan. I sighed, looking up into the sky. I felt bored as hell.

Nothing in my life proved to be important, to be something of use. I couldn't get a hold on what life meant yet. It seemed to me that we were all expendable. And the fact that Mama was so absorbed with Krystal, I didn't know what to live for. I had no idea what to do with myself, with my feelings. I loved Mama very much. I wanted her to look at me still. The way it was before. I wanted all of this and yet it seemed out of reached. As long as Krystal was there, nothing would go the way I wanted. No.

I needed Krystal to be gone, out of my life.

1θ. Secret

I walked lazily over to Luhan's school, sort of dragging my feet. It was a hot day. The bell had rung already and I was a bit late. So I decided to walk a little faster, Luhan and the school coming into view. But he wasn't alone. There were two other boys with him. And Luhan looked panicked.

"You like it?" one of the boys said as I inched closer, an evil grin on his face, his words coming out as a mean tease. They hadn't seen me yet, but as I got came closer I saw what they were doing to Luhan. One of them was holding Luhan's wrists tightly while the other had his hand behind Luhan, rubbing his backside. I noticed Luhan's face becoming very red with embarrassment as the boy moved his hand across his bum and over to the front of his pants.

"Luhan!" I yelled, stopping the boys in their tracks. They pulled their hands back and let him go before turning to me, realizing who I was. I stared at them. Hard. And they looked away uncomfortably before walking away.

"Uh, bye Luhan." they said, taking their leave, attempting to act as if nothing had happened. I waited until they were gone before turning to Luhan again. He took a few steps towards me before hugging me without a word. And he shook slightly.

"D-did you see?" he asked. And I only sighed in response, wrapping my arms loosely around him.

"Why don't you tell me what's going on?" I said but he simply shook his head, letting go of me.

"It's nothing I can't handle." he said, walking ahead of me, suddenly serious. And I followed behind, allowing for there to be a bit of distance between us.

At just eleven years old, Luhan seemed a bit different from other kids. I didn't know what it was that set him apart from the other kids, but there was definitely an air to him that others didn't possess. Even if I couldn't figure it out, and maybe it was because he didn't want me to figure it out, I knew that it had something to do with what had just happened. And there was most likely more going at school as well for the same thing. But even if I asked, I was sure Luhan wouldn't tell me.

We were quiet for a while before I heard a pair of footsteps approaching in our direction quickly.

"Sehun!" A girl's voice called. We both stopped in our tracks and looked back in the direction of the voice. Sulli.

"Sehun, it's you." she smiled, stopping in front of me with a smile on her lips to accompany her rosy cheeks.

"Hey." I answered. Luhan watched both us, without words, and Sulli smiled at him.

"So what are you up to? I haven't seen you for a while so I thought I'd say hello." Her hands were behind her back, holding each other, as she alternated balancing on her toes and heels. I pursed my lips. Sulli didn't know that the reason I hadn't been in class was because I was skipping.

"I was just picking up Luhan from school. Yeah, I haven't seen you around either." She smiled a flirty smile and stepped towards me, poking my arm.

"You know, we should hang out sometime...since we don't see each other in school too much." Her eagerness was evident in her eyes and I could tell even more from the way she batted her eyelashes at me.

I always knew Sulli liked me. She always had. Or at least for as long as I could remember she did. But, to be honest, no matter how pretty or smart or peppy she was, I couldn't find it in myself to like her back. The feelings weren't there, even if she was near being the perfect girl, as she had the reputation for being so at school. Me, on the other hand, had a reputation for being nothing but a slacker and trouble. I wasn't good for Sulli so I had no idea why she liked me at all, why she made it obvious to everyone as well.

"Ahem." I heard from beside me. Luhan had his arms crossed and he was looking the other way, towards the bridge that hung over the river in the distance, all we had to cross in order to get home. Apparently he was in a hurry. I sighed and looked down at Sulli, complete and utter seriousness taking over my features.

"You know, I'm not sure if you should be hanging out with a guy like me. I'll see you around though, Sulli." I said before turning on my heel and walking towards the waiting Luhan. I heard Sulli sigh in the distance, her disappointment making me visualize her pouting. She was very predictable, but at least I knew she wouldn't run after me and cling to my arm like other girls at our school did when the they didn't get what they wanted from some guy. This I did like about Sulli. She was still decent.

Luhan and I stepped onto the bridge and decided to stop to look over at the rushing water below us. It was moving so quickly, chaos being the major trait, as it crashed against the large jagged rocks below. I leaned against the edge, my hair falling forward as I peered down. And then I felt Luhan behind me. His arms snaking around my waist and his body pushing into mine. I stayed still, wondering why Luhan was being so sporadic today, his feelings changing every few moments. When I found him with the boys, he was embarrassed, flustered. Afterwards, quiet, keeping to himself. But then Sulli came and he was suddenly moody, frustration seemingly seeping it's way into him. And now... Now Luhan was demonstrating his loving side, embracing me.

I didn't know what to think of Luhan's behavior. I had no idea where it was coming from. And I had no idea how to tame him. It seemed that the secret he was keeping had been affecting him greatly. I wondered when it would get out, if he would ever tell me.

But mostly, I was worried of what the secret might be.

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"Mama, we all go to hell." (θ1 - θ5)

Jul. 10th, 2012 | 03:31 pm

Title: "Mama, we all go to hell."
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Kai/Luhan, Krystal/Suho, etc.
Rating: NC-17
Content: Angst, Mystery, Suspense, Violence, Rape, Incest, Language, Smut, Yaoi.
Summary: Sehun is the first child born. Krystal is the second. And Luhan was an accident. Mama has three children. But Krystal is her favorite. And she despises men. Sehun loves his mother. A bit too much. And Luhan loves Sehun more than he should. Sehun would prefer life with only him and his mother. But it takes work to get what you want. And Sehun doesn't care if the way in which you get the things that you want is very very immoral or even inhumane.

θ1. Newborn

Long dusty brown hair with hints of gold. Perfectly sculpted lips with fair skin that were impossibly soft. And soft gentle eyes that held a loving gaze. This was Mama.

The lone tree was occupied by two people, an adult woman and her child, her little boy. That was me and Mama. It was just the two of us. Nobody else. And it was amazing how loved I felt. Mama kept murmuring things into my ear as she played with my hair that's similar to hers, only a lot shorter, and less stunning. Nothing could ever compare to Mama's beauty. She was perfect.

"It'll just be the two of us." She whispered, the wind carrying her words to my ear. I grinned like a foolish child, which I was. Four years of age. That's it. But it was enough because I already knew what love was. I loved my mother. And she loved me back. It was obvious.

"We don't need anyone else. Not your father. No one." She said again. And I agreed wholeheartedly. We didn't need my father who had treated Mama so badly, hitting her, calling her mean names. No. He was abusive. And he was gone now, but I hoped that he would never come back to hurt Mama again.

"I love you, Mama." I said, looking up at her as her rosy lips pulled into a smile.

"Sehun, my boy, I love you too." She answered back. I smiled time and time again as I felt Mama softly caress my hair. I felt happy. Too happy it seemed. Almost surreal. This moment would be one I would always remember. This was my paradise.


(One Year Later)

"Congratulations, Mrs. Oh. You have a beautiful baby girl." The nurse said to Mama. And Mama smiled very widely. Her eyes even sparkled a bit, happiness eminating from every part of her. Did she honestly love that baby so much?

I hated it.

Mama had told me that it would only be the two of us. I should have known that it was going to be a lie. Afterall, my father had returned not too long after she had told me that. And Mama let him inside our house, never pushing him away. I felt angry with Mama. I didn't understand. Because she had said she only needed me.

But as quickly as father had returned, that's how quickly he had left as well. And Mama was crying that day, I remember, tears rolling down her soft cheeks. Father said he would never come back. And I wished he wouldn't once again. Because it felt repulsive on my tongue to even let his name slide out, to even call him father. And luckily, he didn't return for months. It's been just over nine months now. I don't think he will come back.

"Do you want to see your little sister, Sehun?" Mama called over to me without bothering to look into my eyes. My very sad eyes. The nurse took the baby from Mama and held the bundle out in front of me. I didn't understand. What was I supposed to do? Go crazy over an ugly insignificant thing that had just rammed itself into my life? Yeah right. As if.

I simply watched as the baby cried loudly, the nurse holding it just out of my reach, probably afraid that I would hurt the thing. But why waste my energy? I swallowed a lump forming in my throat. I didn't want things between me and Mama to change because of this thing. No. That couldn't possibly happen, right? The baby didn't even look like Mama, to be honest. No... It looked like that man, that man that kept coming back to hurt Mama... Turning on my heel, I left the room with the excuse of having to use the bathroom.

Later I would find that Mama had named the baby Krystal. It would be a name I would forever despise. Because they took away my heaven.

θ2. Gender

Krystal was loved. Mama adored her. And I felt as though my place had been taken, stolen from me without my permission. Not that I'd ever grant permission to someone for such a thing. But now, now that Mama cradled Krystal in her arms, I felt as though my father was still here, taking away the attention that should have been mine.

Father was, and I know he always will be, an evil man. He was abusive. And I hate him up to this day, even if my hatred for him grew when I was only four years of age. When Krystal was born, I was five, and I felt that I wasn't only growing physically. Inside something was growing as well. That man made Mama cry. A lot. And it hurt to watch her always accept him back into our house, our home, but I had no say. What could I say? Mama always followed her heart. And if there was anything in her heart that was flawed, it was her love for that man.

He left before Mama found out she was pregnant. I didn't understand it. I had only found out after Mama's stomach starting getting bigger, leaving less room for me to lay my head down on her lap. Mama had said it was only the two of us. But it was a lie. I wondered why Mama would lie to me.

"My baby girl..." Mama murmured, a smile gracing her lips. I didn't like it, watching from the doorway. I wanted her to tuck me in, but she was busy tucking in that baby. Things were changing.

"Mama." I called, but she waved me away.

"Shh~ I'm putting Krystal to sleep. Go to sleep." she said without so much as a glance. I hate Krystal.


Mama took me to Mrs. Kwon's house. She was our neighbor that took care of us whenever Mama had to go and make money to support us. It was hard being a single parent for her, I knew. This time, however, when Mama took us there, Krystal was showered with attention. By Mrs. Kwon. By Mama. Showered with love. Why wasn't I treated like that anymore?

It was irritating seeing this change since Mrs. Kwon used to adore me. I knew because she talked to my Mama about how wonderful I was and how pleasant I acted while at her house. But maybe that needed to change.

I glanced up at Mama while she handed Krystal to Mrs. Kwon. Both women were smiling brightly. I decided to slip away, sneaking into the house and going straight to Mrs. Kwon's candy jar she kept in the cabinets in her kitchen. She said children shouldn't eat candy because they become hyper, but what's the harm in doing so if she won't even look at me?

I pulled out the glass jar from the cabinet and pryed off the lid, reaching in and pulling out a few peppermint patties and a butterscotch candy. My favorites. I was careful as to putting the jar back in the same place before I simply sat at the old worn out kitchen table, stuffing a peppermint candy into my mouth. I sighed, my breath feeling fresh and minty.

But even with the small satisfaction of the sweetness of the candy, I wasn't happy. I wanted Mama to love me and only me. But Krystal was in the way. And I didn't understand why Mama loved Krystal so much anyways. What was so different about us? We both had the same father, unfortunately...

"My baby girl..."

Mama's words rang in my head. She'd been saying that one phrase ever since she had left the hospital with the baby. A baby girl... Could it be that it was the difference in our gender? I was confused. I couldn't piece things together. Because that would mean Mama hated men if she only loved Krystal because she was a girl...

Mama loved father...but she cried a lot when he left. Could it be that she hated him afterwards? Could it be that she hated all men? Even me?

It made me sad to think so. Because I couldn't change my gender. But maybe I could change my ways? Maybe I could become something close to a girl in Mama's eyes? But I had no idea how. And so I attempted to find a bit of comfort in the butterscotch candy.

θ3. Drawing

I had been staring at my blank piece of paper for a while before the teacher came over to me and told me to get to work. But I couldn't stop thinking. How could I be more like a girl? How could I be something to love in Mama's eyes again?

"Sehun, aren't you going to draw something?" I heard from beside me. I glanced over at the owner of the voice, Sulli. A girl.

"I don't know what to draw." I answered back. And she smiled at me, giggling for no apparent reason.

"You can draw whatever you want. I'm drawing a princess in a castle." she said. Interesting. So this is what girls draw...

And then it hit me. I could draw what Sulli draws. This would help me... Yes. If Mama saw me acting like a girl, she might see me as a girl and she might love me again, just like she loves Krystal. Yes. This could work.

"I know what I want to draw now." I smiled, attempting to giggle just as Sulli had done. And I reached for the markers in the middle of the table, afterwards making an outline of a princess next to a castle on my paper. In pink, of course. I concentrated hard, trying to make it as identical to Sulli's as possible. But of course, it still looked as though it had been done by a boy. Me.

Swirls. Hearts. Stars. These would help. I grabbed a light purple marker and made those, in an attempt to make it more girly. And Sulli turned to me, watching curiously.

"Why are you drawing a princess too?" she asked, suddenly.

"Because I can." I said. Of course I could. I'm not that different from a girl after all. Right?


I brought my picture home. And I was eager to show it to Mama. She would love it. I knew. She would just love it and then she would hug me and kiss me and play with my hair once again. Just like before... Yes.

"Mama, I want to show you my picture I colored today." I said, a smile playing on my lips. She was lying on her bed with Krystal at her side, already asleep. It was night time already.

"Show me tomorrow, okay? I'm very tired right now, Sehun." she said, her words almost knocking down my high spirits. But I didn't give up. Instead I came closer to the bed and climbed on, my paper crinkling a bit and making noise. Mama groaned.

"Sehun, I said tomorrow. Can't you see that Krystal is sleeping?" Her tone became a bit lower and I became worried. But I just needed her to see my picture. And then she'd be happy again. She just had to see it...

I tried to smooth out the wrinkles in my paper, but it only made more noise. And Krystal began stirring in her sleep. Not a good sign.

"Mama, look." I said, but before I knew it, Krystal's eyes had opened and she let out small whimpers before going on and crying. And Mama looked at me with anger evident in her eyes, scaring me. She took my paper from my hands forcefully and threw it over the side of the bed, not caring whether it was dirtied or wrinkled or whatever. No. She didn't care. And I started to think that no matter what I did, she would never care for me the same way she did before.

"Get out. Now."

θ4. Drag

I figured it was worth another try. Because things never come easily right? Well, except for Mama's love for Krystal...

I peeked into Mama's room to see if she was still asleep and she was. I smiled a bit, but felt it fade a little as I noticed Mama holding Krystal close in her arms. She used to hold me like that before she got pregnant. But then she changed a bit...

I sighed and pulled the door closed again, Mama's make-up bag in hand. I knew girls liked to play dress up and stuff like that so I had another idea, to do the same. Mama would think it was cute or something. I was sure.

I made my way to the bathroom and pulled out my stool that I always used from next to the sink. Climbing on top of it, I placed the bag of make-up in the sink and slid open the zipper, revealing Mama's things. There were tubes and boxes of all sorts. I had no idea where to start. My hand dived in and found it's way to a black cylinder, takin off the top to reveal a rosy color.

Ah, Mama's lipstick.

I brought it closer to my lips and smeared it on, trying to make sure it didn't get too messy. But it felt sticky and uncomfortable. I wrinkled my nose and sighed before placing the lipstick aside and looking for another piece. A silver box with pink powder and some sort of paint brush. I took out the small brush and wet it, afterwards mixing it with the pink powder, hoping it would come out smooth like the paints at school. But it was sort of clumpy and see-through, the water not mixing well with the pink. I pouted and pressed the brush into the box harder, coming out with a glob of pink.

I think that Mama used this for her cheeks one time...

I did the same with it but the color looked a bit exaggerated. I placed it on the apples of my cheeks, just as dolls had it, and rubbed it in, trying to make it smooth. Then I threw the box carelessly into the sink. And the green tube that twisted open was my next target. It was black and long and skinny with a brush at the end that wrapped all around it. And I had watched Mama use this for her eyelashes. So I did so as well.

My eyelashes were tinted black although they were clomped together and messy. The brush didn't work too well... And then there was the skin colored powder. I knew it was for your face but I guess I had forgotten to put it on before the pink stuff. Oh well. I covered the places I hadn't gotten to already and threw it in with the other used products. And the final box to be used was a long one, see-through, with a row of bright colors and other faded ones. This one came with a brush as well, only smaller. I opened the box and took out the brush, deciding to push it into the pink color again. Girls always wore tons of pink, I knew.

And then I needed clothes. My makeover wouldn't be comets without some girl clothes. But Krystal's were too small and Mama's were too big. But maybe Mama wouldn't mind me borrowing a shirt or something I could use as a dress. With a mission I snuck into her room. Luckily she hadn't woken just yet. I tip-toed over to her closet and opened a drawer, finding her shirts folded neatly in rows. And I noticed a pink sparkly sequined shirt sticking out. Perfect.

I pulled it out and shut the drawer before going to my room and taking my own boy clothes off. Sliding the shirt over my head, I noticed that the shirt/dress was too short since it went just below my bottom but I guess I could deal with that. As long as it was girly Mama would love it. She had to. And I was ready to show her.

I walked to her room. And my hopes were high as I knocked on the door. A few times actually, until she woke up. She sat up and squinted her eyes, adjusting to the light I had switched on.

"Sehun?" she mumbled before rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"Look Mama. Look what I did." I gave her my best smile and pose and waited for her reaction as she took in my appearance.

And her lips pursed tightly, her eyebrows pulling together. Into an angry face. I felt my heart breaking. It was painful. Didn't Mama like me?

"Sehun. What the hell did you do?" she asked monotonely. And I knew I was in trouble. I began to tear up, but I fought back the tears and tried harder.

"I'm pretty Mama. See?" I choked out. But she got out of bed and walked towards me, stopping in front of me.

"Why, Sehun? Hmm? Why did you touch my things?" She said, her voice low just as before. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Because it wouldn't matter anyways. She grabbed onto my arm forcefully and dragged me into the bathroom, turning the knobs of the bath so that warm water streamed out.

"Wash it off." was all she said before she was headed back to the bedroom. But she stopped next to the sink and looked inside. And then looked back at me. Almost as if I were trash.

"What a waste."

θ5. Guilt

Mama took me and Krystal to Mrs. Kwon's again. And once again the attention was in Krystal. I hate her so much I can't stand it. But Mama loves her just as much as I hate her.

Mrs. Kwon took Krystal into the other room after greeting Mama with her son who was visiting. I was told to call him Mr. Kwon although Mama calls him Sangwoo. They are good friends I think, but I don't exactly like Mr. Kwon. I have a feeling he likes Mama too much.

Which proves to be the truth in the moments that followed. Mr. Kwon grabbed Mama's hand and smiled at her but she pulled back, and his smile faded.

"Come on. Just give me a chance. It'll just be one date. If that's what you want..." Mr. Kwon sounded like he was begging. I simply watched from the doorway of Mrs. Kwon's house. And Mama shook her head.

"I won't date you. You're my good friend, Sangwoo. But anything other than that I just can't deal with. I'm not going to see men anymore. I can't."

"Why? Because you don't trust them? But you can trust me. I'm your friend remember?" He took a step forward and Mama stepped back.

"No. Just stop it." she said, defensive. And he did stop. With a sigh.

"Fine." And then he left without a word.


I was happy about Mama rejecting Mr. Kwon. I was happy that she didn't want to be with anyone anymore in the sense of dating or having a husband. But I hated the fact that she didn't like men at all. She didn't like us. She didn't trust us. She wanted nothing to do with us. And therefore she couldn't bring herself to love me. And Krystal would become her world.

I stood in Mrs. Kwon's bedroom, watching Krystal sleeping soundly, her chest rising and falling softly. She was so small, almost like a doll. Yes, she was pretty, but not in the same way as Mama. No. She couldn't even compare to Mama in that sense. Mama was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was the only one who could truly be considered beautiful inside and out.

Inside... I knew Mama had changed a bit. That she didn't let me into that heart of hers anymore. But I knew that she was still beautiful on the inside. She was just blinded by her hate for father. Yeah, that was it. She hated father and misplaced her hate. She really did love me, she just didn't realize how much yet. She had also misplaced her love for me by giving it to Krystal. Mama must've been confused or something.

I wished that Krystal hadn't been born. It would be the millionth time that I had that thought in a day. But it was true. I wished that somehow she would disappear into thin air and that things could go back to the way they used to be. That Mama would go back to the way she used to be. Loving only me and me alone. Then I would be happy.

Taking steps towards the large bed, I got on top, joining the baby on top of the soft covers. It seemed Mrs. Kwon was sure to make her very secure, seeing as she had surrounded Krystal with barrier of pillows so that she wouldn't roll off or anything like that. I think Mrs. Kwon had changed a bit too. She no longer spazzed over how wonderful I was. Even though I was simply quiet to start with. I sighed. And watched Krystal again. Her hand would fit inside of mine easily. It was that small. But I didn't want to touch her. If I did, it seemed she would break, how fragile the adults seemed to be making her.

And maybe just plugging her nose would be the trick... Maybe if she just...stopped breathing.

I reached forward. And pinched her nose, cutting off her air. She opened her mouth, an alternative, and continued to breath, only a little harder. But I squeezed a little harder. A mistake. She began to stir in her sleep, the feeling not being too pleasant, and her eyelids opened, her baby stare being placed on me. I pulled back, a bit afraid. I wasn't sure why I felt a little guilty but I didn't like the feeling. And Krystal must've sensed that I was doing something wrong because she started crying very loudly. Within moments Mrs. Kwon had run into the room, finding me next to Krystal. Her eyes were squinted, almost as if she knew it was me who had woken up the baby.

And it was me. But I wasn't going to tell her that. Or how I did it.

"Go on. Get out, Sehun." she said, pushing me off the bed, taking Krystal into her arms and comforting her. Almost as if Krystal were her own child. Which would be nice since it's Mrs. Kwon. And not Mama.

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Jul. 10th, 2012 | 03:01 pm

coming soon...

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